I'm unhappy
so I think it's time to come clean to my blog. I'm not especially happy here. I think the problem is the crowd that I have fallen in with, because it's not a crowd I feel especially comfortable with. I hang out mostly with Jaylene and Laurie, and my "group" I guess is the French-Canadian nation--so add in Agate, Baptiste, and Brice. when we're alone together I get along really well with Jaylene and Laurie--well--we do the usual I've-been-around-you-too-much-this-week thing, but that's not too surprising because we don't have anything to do but hang out. I don't really like hanging out with people during the day, though; that's my alone time. the problem is that I also want alone time late at night, probably not so much for being alone but for being away from them. when we're all hanging out in E3, Brice's room, I just get bored. I'm just not close enough to them that it's chill to just hang out. I don't really like hanging out in Fuat's room either, which is crappy because that's where everyone hangs out. I mean, after late nights out it's always a good time there, but at 9 at night when we're all sober and boring I just feel bored and uncomfortable.
I wish that I had met a new group at the start of September, and properly separated myself from Jaylene. I like to go places alone and make my own friends on my own terms, and I think I ended up being far too dependent on her. a big factor was that she had a group immediately, the UBC group. I was strangely antisocial at the start of September, used to making friends soberly and having lots of structure and going to bed before 2. that all flew out the window pretty quickly. instead of staying up late and chilling in people's rooms early in the year, I went back to my room and drunk-imed. why? that may have been one of my biggest mistakes. but even then, the reason that I didn't stick around was because I didn't particularly want to spend another two or three hours talking to people I was with.
part of me wishes I lived at Smaragland so I would be closer friends with the Brits, especially Hannah and Ben, and their crowd of Mo, Fantya, Mark, and Dan. even Amreet, the girl I met at Einstein who's now close with Liam--for a few weeks I thought she might be the sensible friend I was desperately seeking.
what makes me really uncomfortable about the situation I find myself in--no, the way I am acting; let me not make myself a passive agent in this--is that I'm quiet here. I'm not quiet at school. I feel out-performed by Jaylene and Laurie, and I feel like the guys I'm supposed to be friends with just aren't the friends I'd choose for myself. I'm back to the ridiculous subbie-year awkwardness. that feels so horrible. it hurts when I compare my behavior now to this summer, when I felt like I was the third most social girl in the building. was it just that I was living with a bunch of socially inept girls this summer, so my behavior seemed positively gregarious in comparison? here I'm one of those quiet and semi-awkward girls that...no, I shouldn't be that negative. mrrr!
so now that I only have a month left, I think I'm qualified to start delivering premature postmortems on the whole thing. it was a good experience. well...yeah, it was. if I had to do it again, I would choose a better city--one where the students are not divided into petty little societies--and I would be more proactive about seeking out my own friends. I would also get more involved in real student life--I should have stuck with that damn international relations organizations. so it goes, man. so it goes.
posted by slim @ 2:02 AM
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